DISCLAIMER: The following poem is dedicated to everyone who has grown sick and tired of all the attention that the book Fifty Shades of Grey and its subsequent motion picture by Universal Studios have received and continue to receive in the media. If you are reading this and happen to like any of the books in E.L. James’s Fifty Shades trilogy for one reason or another, please do not take offense to this post. As for everyone else—particularly those of you who HATE Fifty Shades with a burning passion and do not understand why it has become so popular over the years, considering what it effectively represents—I hope the poem offers some sort of catharsis. After all, while I do not care for this franchise at all and thus do not wish to draw any further attention to it, especially on the grounds of angering certain people, I myself have been pushed to the point where I feel the need to voice my opinion about this particular book series, which even I myself cannot defend as an author in my own right for reasons that have already been explained by countless other detractors. Truth be told, I feel as though I probably should have written this poem QUITE some time ago. At any rate, though, should any of you disagree with what I say here, let us at least agree to disagree.
Thank you for your time and consideration, everyone.
*****
Fifty Shades of Corruption
February 11, 2015
Countless voices never to be heard,
No matter the wisdom of their words,
No matter the matter of which they speak,
For they’ve been buried six feet deep
‘Fore anyone chanced to learn who they were.
Meanwhile, the Media’s wretched curs
All turn their attention—ours as well—
To cheap, blatant smut from the pits of Hell.
Next thing we all know, visions of lust
And perversion haunt every last one of us,
Flooding the Mainstream like feces in a river,
Breaking apart so that the ‘Stream delivers
Unto the masses a beverage so foul
That it rots people’s brains, hearts, and bowels,
Leaving us all sick in one way or another
From skanky sisters and horny brothers
To cousins already so jaded from their lack
Of hope in humanity, they’ve turned their backs
On the one industry once safe from such sin.
Now look at the trouble the market’s in:
Talented people leading various lives—
Sons, daughters, dads, moms, husbands, and wives—
Being denied the privileges of a dream
Solely ‘cause their work doesn’t fit the ‘Stream’s
Now-corrupted sense of what makes a buck,
Making those in charge wish them, “Best of luck!”
And kick them hard ‘tween the legs and in the ass
Just so they can turn to those of little class—
If any at all—and hand them the key.
Now their messages run amok, you see,
Distorting our sense of sensibility
To the point where there’s no hope for you or me
Or anyone else to hear our cry
Of how the Morals of Old have died
And how our old values we’ve cast aside
In the name of the baseness that smugly hides
In the hearts of the masses, much to our dread,
Until coaxed to rear its ugly head
On account of whatever attention’s been gained
From anything vile, graceless, or inane
To logically churn the common folks’ guts
And speak unto the most warped amongst us
And have them step out into the clear
And announce the truth that we all fear:
That guilty pleasures are stronger than we think,
As is morbid curiosity…which stinks!
Pretty soon, all who’ve struggled for years
To remind us of the truths we all hold dear
Are cast aside like pieces of trash,
Forever forgotten, their works burnt to ash
Within Hell’s blazes, leaving us to praise
The devils who’ve given us these dark days
With their backwards lessons and twisted truths,
Fattening us with their toxic fruit
Bloating our bellies as well as our heads
With words that have left us spiritually dead,
All no thanks to our own Media, too,
For causing this world to turn black and blue
And showing us all that which we were better
Off leaving alone in its chains and fetters,
Safely contained in its corner of the world
From the cat-like curiosity of boys and girls.
Now, ‘fore anyone says, “Don’t like it? Don’t read it.
It’s just a dumb book. No need to throw a fit.”
You clearly haven’t read, for I’ve already said,
I’ts not my own fate alone that I dread,
But the fate of everyone who’s worked so hard,
Only to have the top dogs discard
Their masterpieces in preference of the swill
I’ve been ranting ‘gainst with all my will
For so many lines now, it’s insane—
Even to me, one who feels their pain.
After all, I’m in their camp myself,
Hoping to have my work hit a store’s shelf,
Yet here I am, one of so bloody many,
And for too long now, I fear I won’t see any
Of my life-long dream at last come true,
And Media mouths, it’s no thanks to you
Spouting off ‘bout the crap that deserved to never
See the light of day and enjoy the endeavors
It’s made for so long at the expense of
Much worthier works that deserved such love
And attention from us all, myself included,
Yet here we all are, so dense and deluded
Into ignoring all that we should’ve loved
And would’ve fit our style like a hand in a glove.
Then again, we should blame ourselves as well
For allowing the industry to go to Hell
And not using judgment to help elevate
That which deserved love rather than hate,
To recognize treasure ‘mongst a sea of trash
And tell others ‘bout it so that they can dash
To the store and support and enjoy it, too.
Such is the practice I preach to all of you.
Blow off what the Media tells you what to like,
For you yourselves can set things right.
Think for yourselves and spread the word
Of that which you love and what you find absurd.
Don’t let the Media tell you what to think,
For they’re the ones who’ve taken us to the brink
Of decadence and debauchery that we
Have yet to overcome, so follow me
In supporting works that deserve the attention
And putting filth into permanent detention
‘Til it finally dies of rightful neglect
And is but a remnant of the years we’ve wrecked
From listening to those who should’ve known better,
Who belong in prison themselves, chained and fettered,
For unleashing the beasts that have roamed free,
Stampeding throughout society,
And decimating all in their wake,
Their thirst for destruction so hard to slake.
The time to slay these beasts is now.
It’s our time to take a stand—and how!
This era of sickness can no longer last.
Let’s build for the future and learn from the past
And see to it that the days of smut
Are forever purged back into Hell’s gut
And that we all create and support class
And decency for every lad and lass
From our generation to those down the road.
It’s a burden, yes, but we can all bear this load.
*****
One final word before I go, people: If you insist on seeing a movie this Valentine’s Day weekend, I STRONGLY suggest you go see ANY OTHER MOVIE than Universal’s Fifty Shades of Grey. Kingsman: The Secret Service looks and sounds like fun, for example. Heck, even SpongeBob: Sponge Out of Water has been receiving some positive feedback, including the following review from YouTuber Austin Putnam. Just whatever you do…please…don’t give Fifty Shades of Grey a penny of your hard-earned money. It simply doesn’t deserve it, even if only in my own opinion.
Thank you.
Regards,
Dustin M. Weber
Author Pages: Smashwords.com
AuthorDustinWeber 
As a fellow Fifty Shades detractor myself, I’ve got to say that this is a pretty decent poem…even if it’s so long that I can tie it into a noose and use it on the throat of the literary agent who thought it was a good idea to represent this filth pool that E.L. James so loving calls her debut novel. That being said, though, I think you’ve kind of held yourself back here by not delving deeper into this trashy novel’s history by exposing it as a crappy fanfic of another, almost-as-hated novel, Stephanie Meyer’s “classic,” Twilight. I also wish you would have explained the subsequently horrific fanfic tropes that this story still has in novel form: the unrealistically successful twenty-six-year-old Gary Stu creep of a male lead, the vapid embarrassment to womankind who passes as the story’s protagonist, and the miles upon miles of purple prose and–as roughly mentioned before–utter lack of realism this book possesses. That’s all just for starters, too.
Even so, I do appreciate that you made your opinion known about every author whose work had been published around the time of Fifty Shades’ unjustified rise to popularity and how THEY deserved INFINITELY more attention/praise and royalty revenue than that talentless hack E.L. James ever did, and I loved how you called out the mass media for drawing the masses’ attention to this unholy nightmare of a story when they could have and should have done so for other, much better-written stories–especially those written by authors who’d had to sweat, bleed, and cry to get their work recognized by their publishers, only to be ignored in the end by the same public that made Fifty Shades such a top seller. I, too, wish that I myself have been perceptive enough to support the works of such authors and helped THEM rise to the top when nobody else would while E.L. James was sitting pretty on top of Smut Mountain laughing her pretty little ass off at the poor souls. Hopefully, they all did well all the same in spite of her, but alas…too little, too late on all our part, I guess.
At any rate, keep up the good work, and I look forward to your next poem. 🙂
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The dude also forgot to mention how this crappy book series glorifies rape and domestic violence and how there’s a special place in Hell for E.L. James for taking a serious women’s issue and making it look like a sexual fantasy, even though it’s only really HER fantasy at the end of the day.
Regardless, I hope 50 Shades bombs, too, but knowing how sick, perverse, and mentally backwards American society is (and WORLD society, sadly enough), this glorified prono flick will probably score an all-time box office hit that even Twilight–or, in terms of movies from this year, SpongeBob: Sponge Out of Water–can’t top, which is a real tragedy in and of itself. I hope I’m wrong, but I doubt it.
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Good point. Thanks for the heads-up.
Oh, and as for Fifty Shades failing, this may be needless for me to say, but…ditto.
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Sadly, it’s already earned over $80 million after its first three days. Hopefully, though, after having received so much critical backlash, this’ll be it as far as this smutfest making money. It scares me all the same, though, that there are so many people (i.e., WOMEN) out there who actually think this trash is worth anything. Don’t they have eyes and minds of their own? Can’t they see just how perverse this movie and the book it’s based off of are? I mean, when you have anti-domestic violence groups speaking out against it…
http://time.com/3696929/domestic-violence-50-shades/
…that should say something.
Oh, and BTW…I’m not the first one to notice this (except for here), but guess what: This raunchy, tactless, immature title is actually a rip-off of 9 & 1/2 Weeks from 1986 with Mickey Rourke and Kim Bassinger–a movie that I didn’t care for back then and HATE even more so now in this current incarnation. Just one more reason of how shameless this thing is. Seriously, stuff’d better start hitting the fan with this flick, and SOON
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Yeah…you’re right. Strange that I hadn’t thought about that until now. Then again, my knowledge of films from that decade isn’t as keen as it probably should be, so thanks for the tip. Personally, I hope it isn’t too late for 20th Century Fox to take Universal and E.L. James to court for plagiarism, but at this rate, I think it is. Plus, I doubt Fox would want to look “petty” to sue the competition at this stage of the game, even though their own movie Kingsman sadly lost its debut weekend (Feb 13-15) to 50 Shades. If you want to try and convince them to do so yourself, feel free to message them here, but don’t hold your breath.
As for that anti-DV group you’ve brought up, I honestly hope that they have indeed made the money they deserve with their whole #50dollarsnot50shades campaign. That’s definitely a much worthier cause than lining the pockets of a money-grubbing movie studio like Universal, what with its current business practices and how long they’ve been cheating their audiences out of quality movies with the likes of 50 Shades, the Transformers movies, Ouija, and so forth.
Oh, and BTW…clever nickname. I take it you named yourself after that trashy 50 Shades boudoir “homage” that Jessica and her hubby did for Valentine’s Day, huh? Yeah, it was all over today’s episode of Extra like no one else’s business. Way to promote your own movie, Universal! Classy! [/Sarcasm]
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@dmw1011 Yeah, that was pretty tacky of Jessica. I used to respect her and her music, but after that little stunt with her husband (not to mention once posing NUDE for some trashy magazine while she was pregnant), my respect for her is pretty much gone. She can pretty much fall off the face of the earth now, for all I care (Good riddance to her, too, whenever that happens, that washed-up pig.).
Oh, and don’t give up hope against 50 Shades of Filth, either. Last night, I was watching a rerun of The Big Bang Theory on Fox 32 in Chicago (Don’t judge me, please…:shifty: :heehee:), but they used to air ads for that godforsaken garbage all the time up to this past weekend, when it debuted. Last night, though, was a different story, because they decided to air ads for some upcoming movies instead (i.e., Run All Night and Hot Tub Time Machine 2)–BOTH of which I hope end up being far more successful than 50 Shades of Ripped-Off Tripe has proven to be so far ($94.4 million over the past for days, from what I’ve heard…WTH!?). I know it’s a small thing overall, but if this keeps up over the course of the next week at least–combined with all the critical backlash 50 Shades of 9 & 1/2 Weeks Done Worse has received recently–we can look forward to brighter days.
Oh, and if nothing else, yesterday morning during Good Morning America, they were still airing ads for SpongeBob: Sponge Out of Water. Loved that movie! So glad to know that Steven Hillenburg co-wrote the script to that masterpiece, which HAD been the #1 movie here in the States before Universal “Deserves to Go Out of Business” Pictures dropped their turd last Friday, which happened to be the 70th anniversary of the beginning of the Dresden bombing from World War II, no less. Yeah, how about that? One notorious disaster deserves another, I guess…
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Hmm…funny you should mention the bombing of Dresden, which did indeed happen between February 13, and February 15, 1945–the same dates as this past weekend. I still wouldn’t compare 50 Shades’ release to Dresden, though, considering that people actually died on account of that bombing. 50 Shades’ emergence is part of a whole different kind of tragedy: the downfall of world society and their taste in given forms of media–particularly books, music, movies, television, and to some degree, video games. It’s a trend that’s been going on for several years now and, while it hasn’t completely dominated entertainment media as we know it, isn’t going to fade away any time soon unless we, the buying public, make a conscious effort to do our research on upcoming forms of media, support what has proven to be of high quality, and avoid the trash like the plague. Only then will we see any change in the quality of whatever form of entertainment we support and see to the emergence of a new “glory age.” After all, we’ve survived downfalls like this before (i.e., North America’s video game crash of 1983), and if we’re all wise and vocal enough and exercise educated caution and good judgment while letting the people in charge of the media know what we want or not (e.g. Universal Pictures, certain publishers in the literary market, etc.), things will surely change for the better once again.
That being said, thanks for your reply, and keep your chin up. Things will surely change somehow.
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I think you’re missing the point, “E.L. James Is Satan.” Yeah, it’s clear that the author is no fan of the book or the movie it’s based on, but his main concern (as far as this poem goes) is his disgust and disbelief that such a tacky, poorly written book and its subsequent movie could get so much attention from the media and subsequently go on to be as successful as it has been when there have been hundreds–even THOUSANDS–of better written, more thoughtful books out on the market between then and now that deserved INFINITELY much more attention from the media than the measly pornographic Twilight fanfiction that 50 Shades started out as and ultimately is. Just think of the countless authors who poured their hearts and souls into the books they’d written and actually made an effort to develop into meaningful timeless tales over the past five, six years or more only to have their works ignored in favor of a glorified rip-off of 9 & 1/2 Weeks that capitalizes off the popularity of a highly criticized (yet no doubt nonetheless better written, albeit perhaps a bit awkwardly) best seller such as Twilight, which had a far more original story than anything an obvious hack like E.L. James could ever come up with on her own. THAT’S the message this author is trying to get across.
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Believe it or not, I’ve read somewhere here on the ‘Net that the movie is “one shade brighter” than the piece of trash book it’s supposedly based on, which ought to say something for the poor soul who got shouldered to direct it on Universal Studios’ behalf. Even so, I still hope it fails BIG TIME as a means to show the literary world that it’s NOT okay to simply take a poorly written fanfiction of a heavily criticized book series (i.e., Twilight) and turn it into its own book with minimal changes from its original format, nor is it okay to glorify said new book by making a movie out of it–especially considering its heavily publicized pornographic nature. I’m sorry, but Fifty Shades and its two sequels NEVER should have existed in the first place, much less gone on to garner the success they have received from the masses since day one. I am thankful, though, that there hasn’t been an ongoing trend in the literary market to pull such, shall we say, “shady” antics on behalf of literary agents everywhere since then, although I sure hope things stay that way.
One thing’s for sure, though: There’s a special place in Hell not only for E.L. James and the “Twihard” fanbrats who supported and glorified her stupid book when it was still in its fanfic stage, but also the scumbag literary agent who thought it would’ve been a good idea to glorify it even further by making it a book at the expense of all the hard-working authors who’d been busting their asses for months, years, and even decades just to write their own books and seek publication for them, only to either get the “Best of luck” treatment from one literary agent after another or have their work completely ignored by the masses on account of Fifty Shades’ unjustly garnered hype and subsequent. Needless to say, this poem hits the whole backstory of this waking tragedy of a novel on the nose–minus a crucial detail here or there, as the above poster had mentioned, of course–and I definitely hope that you, sir, become as successful an author yourself in the future…
…legitimately, of course! 😉
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Thanks to you and “E.L. James Sucks” both for your support. I’m definitely looking forward to achieving my dream as well.
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Fifty Shades is an abortion of logic, common sense, and above all, good taste. I know a lot of people out there aren’t fans of Twilight in the slightest–particularly the over-defensive nutcases within its fanbase–but at least when one strips Twilight down to its core essence, one can still see the high school supernatural romance novel it could have been, had Stephanie Meyer only pulled her head out of her ass and made a better effort to write a more convincing, more respectful, and overall more respectable love story. Strip Fifty Shades down to its core, and what do you have? Just a hollow, shallow, transparent, and grossly overhyped and overrated knockoff of Twilight that’s more glorified literary pornography than anything else.
Personally, if I were Stephanie Meyer and I realized that the fanbase of my novels had as many crazies in it as it had, I’d have stopped my franchise at the first book, much less the fourth. I probably would have even retired from writing altogether as well. Not only that, but if I’d have ever–EVER!–found out that one of my “fans” had written a pornographic fanfic based on my work that had later become a book, I would have risked an A&B charge, hunted the chick down, and upon finding her, smacked her so hard across her ugly, pig-like face so hard that she would have felt it for years on end.
Seriously, thanks for nothing, E.L. James, you talentless piece of trash! No thanks to you, your agent, and the schmucks who published your purple prose-laced disgrace of a novel, the literary world has been ruined.
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Sorry for the late reply, but thank you for your response.
At any rate, I’ve got some good news for everyone: Critics everywhere have been bashing this film left and right. Kind of makes me, at least, question why it was ever made in the first place, but hey, if nothing else, at least there’s some kind of indication out there that people actually care about quality film and novels after all.
There’s hope yet, everyone…there is hope.
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While I do agree that Fifty Shades is absolute filth and that any woman (or even man, as far as I’m concerned…which actually exist, too, BTW) needs her/his head examined AND a stern morality coach, I’ve just got to say that Kingsman: The Secret Service isn’t THAT much better at all. I just came back from seeing it myself, and quite frankly, I wish I hadn’t wasted my money on that overrated turd of a “spy flick” that was more meant for summer than anything else. To think, too, that it was based off a crappy COMIC BOOK, of all things! Sure proves how Hollywood is running out of ideas, huh?
#KingsmanSucks
#MattVaughnSucks
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Agreed. Kingsmen: The Secret Service = WORST action movie of ALL TIME!!! Especially for its sub-genre! Gratuitous violence, gratuitous profanity, nonsensical plot, asinine villain, even more asinine heroes, immature morality, tells more than shows, DELIBERATELY panders to “dudes” with all its braindead BS, and has the WORST fanbase for an action franchise I’ve ever seen. Male equivalent of 50 Shades of Dog Feces: loud, obnoxious, and undeservedly popular.
DEATH TO THIS FRANCHISE!!!
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I know this trashy movie and the filthy-as-all-hell book it’s based on are more or less old news, even with Sam Taylor-Johnson FINALLY coming to her senses and backing out of the movie series, I still feel the need to share with someone a little conspiracy theory that I’ve come to believe over the years concerning E.L. James and her precious little franchise:
I believe that Fifty Shades of Dogcrap was NEVER meant to be a Twilight fan fiction and that E.L. James, snake that she is, simply had already had the story prewritten ahead of time for quite some time–possibly countless years at that, for all I know–without a single literary agent or publisher willing to so much as lay a finger on it. Then, when Twilight gained its massive appeal and subsequent fan following (and number of detractors on top of that), the so-called “Twihards” came crawling out of the woodwork to defend their favorite book from all who had the backbone to explain why they personally disliked it. Soon enough, once Twilight’s popularity began to wane, along came Ms. James and her sleazy little “love story” onto the Internet in the form of a fan fic of what was then Stephanie Meyer’s soon-to-be-irrelevant franchise, and the Twihards suddenly had a fire lit under them again. next thing we all know, these psychotic embarrassments to the Twilight fanbase start spreading the word like wildfire, Fifty Shades of Filth starts getting infinitely more attention than it truly deserved–the kind of attention I wish the GOOD works of fan fiction would receive these days, quite frankly–and along comes E.L. James’ book deal and her slew of mindless adult-turned-petulant-child-again fangirls buying into her work and the absolute lie that Fifty Shades of Trash is all about “female empowerment” and all that bit when in reality, it’s nothing more than sheer smut, which anyone with two brain cells to rub together can see for himself or herself. Not too long after that, along comes February 13, 2015 and that Fifty Shades movie and all the crappy merchandise, some of which James herself was responsible for (i.e., the Fifty Shades brand of wine, of all things), and the controversy FINALLY reaches its head when honestly, people should have been marching the streets burning every copy of this stupid book and its equally scummy sequels on the very day each was published. Truth be told, if not for the Twihards, IMO, the stupid story never would have been more than what it was: a poorly written, trope-heavy smutfest that only a pervert would love.
This all just goes to show you what the entertainment business has devolved into over the past decade when talented writers, literary and screen alike, have their ideas passed up by the “powers that be” in favor of utter garbage as written by untalented, immature hacks like E.L. James all because their crap is “more marketable”–or, rather, it’s a lot easier for the publishers, filmmakers, and the like to twist the truth about the sludge they produce regularly as it is the high-quality stuff that we should have been receiving all this time. I feel sorry, then, for every talented writer whose work has been rejected over the years in favor of rubbish like Fifty Shades of Puke and as such not garnering the fan following for their work that they so richly deserve. Maybe if the masses all had better taste in entertainment than they presently do and were smart enough to know, see, smell, and taste fecal matter when it’s presented to them, E.L. James would remain a lonely, talentless housewife (albeit one with tragically sharp marketing skills, from what I’ve gathered over the years), and authors like Ray Riordin, F.E. Higgins, Cornelia Funke, E.B. White, Jeanne DuPrau, Dick King-Smith, et cetera would be receiving the fame and fortune they so richly deserve. Then again, it would also help if the people who DID have good taste also have the brains and backbone to support quality work as produced by these authors, and not just as far as the literary world is concerned. I’m talking cinema, television, music, and video games, too…and maybe even pro wrestling, if you’re into that sort of thing. Otherwise, if things don’t shake up, entertainment as we know it is only going to devolve further than it already has, which certainly scares me, if nobody else.
Good luck to you, though, Dustin, in your own literary ventures. From what I’ve read from you so far, at least you actually CARE about what producing quality work and can give us a good story to read, considering you pace yourself and pay close attention to what works and what doesn’t in the stories you produce.
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Thanks for the support. Interesting conspiracy theory, too, considering just how much Ms. James thinks so highly of herself and her work when most people–from most literary and movie critics to the very people with whom she’s worked recently, Ms. Taylor-Johnson included–have come to realize just how much of a self-absorbed, perverted madwoman she truly is. Just goes to show us all how shockingly influential people’s ignorance can be in this day and age and how the misinformed can be led to support that which doesn’t deserve it.
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