The Proud Bachelor
February 22, 2016
How could I be so ignorant? How could I be so blind?
Why am I so in need of a woman to tend to my sick mind?
Why am I so bloody desperate to need romance in my life
When I know well that it’ll only add more pain and strife?
Why would I complicate things by adding another gear
To this once well-oiled machine that’s helped me live year after year?
What can a woman do for me that I can’t do myself?
Do you fancy me a worthless child—A lazy, ignorant whelp?
Am I so incompetent at life that one must tend to me?
Get that condescension out of here and just let me be!
If anything, I’d be the one taking care of her
And whatever children we may have, should our hormones stir.
I’d be the one making dinner each night and fixing up the joint
And paying the bills on time each month, and not just to prove a point.
I’d be the one taking care of the kids, teaching them right from wrong
While she’s chatting with her friends on the phone or puffing on a bong
Or spending my hard-earned money on trinkets, makeup, and porn
Or watching “reality” TV from afternoon ‘til morn
Or even taking on a paramour behind my back
Or doing something else wretched that would give me a heart attack.
Companionship? Who needs that? I’ve plenty of friends right now
Both at work and outside of it by the score—and how!
Affection? Never needed that. I can get by without hugs
And kisses and all that mush. It’s all just psychological drugs
That, in the end, will mean nothing, should my marriage run off course
And she and I bicker and argue ‘til we at last divorce,
And all that will remain will be bitterness and hate—
Something all too familiar with which too many can relate.
I can’t afford to go through all that at any point in my future.
My heart’s simply to tender to endure any kind of suture.
That said, then, I’ll take my chances, so thanks, but no thanks.
I’ll keep living my bachelor’s life no matter how much it tanks.
Last time I checked, there was no sin in living life alone,
And if anything happens to me, it’ll be no one’s fault but my own.
Besides, life’s complicated enough when one’s single,
So why complicate things by looking for someone with whom to mingle—
Someone to tell me what to do or say and get in my face
To treat me like crap for little things and call me a disgrace
Or leech on me when things get rough one way or another
And make me feel less like a husband and more like a big brother.
I’m happy with where I’m at right now, and happy I plan to stay,
But if I change my mind somehow, I’ll let you know in some way.
Until then, though, you’re just wasting time for both you and me,
So please move on to the next man, kind sir, and let me be.